The Hate You Try To Hide

But that's not the way i do things never has been never will be...
This weekend was far too stressful on me, and the funny part about it is that none of the stress i had this weekend was over anything involved in my life, it was all part of her life, so why the fuck did i let myself get dragged into it, because i care about her, what the fuck is that, why would i let this happen, i've said a million times before i would never fall into a situation like this again so what is it about this girl that has made me this way... I don't know, maybe i'm finally starting to get over past mistakes maybe i'm finally starting to realize i do need someone in my life to care for and to care for me, i don't know this is all just random shit that is going on inside my head and had to be written somewhere she will never see it, damnit so what if she made some mistakes and is now paying for them, why must i pay for them too?? Why does she have to put all this on me like i'm the mother fucking rock of her salvation? I'm not a saviour never have been, that isn't my job... or is it now... perhaps as i sit her writing i am actually just thinking things through in the form of this rant... i don't know i'm starting to feel like the psychosis that is my condition is starting to manifest outside of my head and is actually starting to affect the world around me. it seems as if now not only are my thoughts and feelings completely random and usually uncalled for but now the actions of those around me are starting to join the circus, maybe i am going insane, or maybe just maybe i have surrounded myself with people that are closer to the way i am than i ever have before... or maybe just maybe and this is the most logical explanation of all, maybe i'm just over thinking this.. and to those of you that are actually reading this, no i am not dead haha just a bit distracted the last few days, weeks, months... have just been really fast paced

Web posted Sunday, April 9, 2000


Shawnee students circulate petition to destroy tower



SHAWNEE, Okla. (AP) -- Shawnee Middle School students are determined that what happened to a 14-year-old classmate shouldn't happen to anyone else.

Sarah Davis fell to her death Tuesday from near the top of an abandoned coal tower, a popular youth hangout for two decades.

The students are circulating handwritten petitions to get the tower demolished. It may not be that easy, however.

The Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railway owns the 100-foot tower, said Jerry Jenkins, community affairs director for the railroad. He said the company has been negotiating to sell the property, and the tower's fate probably won't be decided until the property sells or the deal falls through.

Jenkins said they would like to board the structure up, but that won't work.

"There is no way to board it up because the openings are so large," he said. The tower used to supply coal to steam locomotives.

The company had not received any complaints about the structure before the accident, Jenkins said.

The abandoned tower has been nicknamed "Witches Tower" by local youth. Youth who were at the tower at the time of the accident told authorities that a seance and initiation were being held, said Shawnee police Lt. Conny Clay.

Jenkins said fencing the property might be a short-term solution to prevent additional accidents until a permanent solution is reached.

"We have to do something, and we understand that," said Jenkins. "I'm sure something will be done expeditiously."

The accident at Shawnee shared similarities with a falling accident that killed 12-year-old Tia Jones at the Belle Isle power plant in Oklahoma City. The power plant was demolished in 1999, four years after Jones' death. Witchcraft and satanic activity was also part of that plant's lore.

---

and done, i've fallen into a really laid back mood lately about everything in my life, it's like i don't really care what goes on around me, and it's not because i'm distracted by something else, i have just become much more complacent, things i should be worried about, or that should have my attention at least are all thrown away, maybe this is unhealthy, but it's alot easier than actually dealing with the fucked up things people do, oh well soon enough this chapter of my life will be over and i will be free to move on to bigger and better things....

Ms. jones taught me english, but I think I just shot her son
Cause he owed me money, with a bullet in the chest you cannot run
Now he’s bleeding in a vacant lot
The one in the summer where we used to smoke pot
I guess I didn’t mean it
But man you shoulda seen it
His flesh explode

Slow motion
See me let go
We tend to die young
Slow motion
See me let go
What a brother knows
Slow motion
See me let go

Now the cops will get me
But girl, if you would let me
I’ll take your pants off
I gotta a little bit of blow
We could both get off
Later bathing in the afterglow
Two lines of coke I’d cut with draino
And her nose starts to bleed
A most beautiful ruby red

Slow motion
See me let go
We’ll remember these days
Slow motion
See me let go
Urban life decay’s
Slow motion
See me let go

And at home
My sister’s eating paint chips again
Maybe that’s why she’s insane
I shut the door to her moaning
And I shoot smack in my vains
And wouldn’t you
See my neighbor’s beating his wife
Because he hates his life
There’s an arc to his fist as he swings
Oh man, what a beautiful thing

And death slides close to me
Won’t grow old to be
A junkie whine-o creep

Hollywood glamourized my wrath
I’m the young urban psyco path
I encite murder for your entertainment
Cause I needed the money
What’s your excuse?
The joke’s on you

Slow motion
See me let go (aaahh)
Oh yeah
Slow motion
See me let go (aaahh)
Ahhhh
Slow motion
See me let go (aaahh)
Oooh

because life imitates a game of chess... life lately has gotten very strange i find that i am constantly running across pictures of an old friend that i hadn't seen in years, he died earlier this year, and today i find out that one of my friends from highschools older brother died in a car accident, both of these guys were just a couple of years older than me, makes me wonder about life and if there really is any use in living, as we are all only living to die, then i say what the hell.... live life to its fullest, every second that we live we change our course and sometimes the courses of others, so why not just carry on in our evil ways and hope that death doesn't catch us, run run like the wind and never look back... sorry this is incoherent just random ramblings from the head of your friendly neighborhood psycho

You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do.

Hey Mister I really like your daughter,
I'd like to eat her like ice cream
maybe dip her in chocolate

Hey Mister on your way over
in your Volvo, suit, and tie
Well, be crawling in your bed soon
messing around, maybe getting high

It's not what ya did,
It's not what ya didn't
God gave her a perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and its good for that I'm sure

Hey Mister I really like your daughter.
When I'm horny like thirsty
She's a bottle of water.

Hey Mister how'd it get so bad
You raised her so well
and now she's calling me dad
in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen
the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

It's not what ya did,
It's not what ya didn't
God gave her a perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and its good for that I'm sure

Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
ha hahaha ha ha haha

I eat all the food in your fridge
Call my friends around the world
Rack up your long distance do
Breakstands neutral drops
Wreck all your cars
Drink all the booze in your cheezy ass wet bar
Order stuff on your credit cards
Leave boogers in the skippy jar
Smoke your cigars
Answer the phone tell your boss you moved to mars
When you call in late from work tell your wife
You're at the titty bars

It's not what ya did,
It's not what ya didn't
God gave her a perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and its good for that I'm sure

I can't lie I have to tell the truth
My commandments says I'm a total spoof
Your daughter's a freak
Your daughter's a pro
When i'm done with her
She'll do one of your bros

I hope I'll never have a daughter
I hope I'll never have a daughter
I hope I'll never have a daughter
I hope I'll never have a daughter

Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana naaaaaaaa!


Sorry i just fucking love this song, because it sounds like its going to be a nice mellow song at first

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Retarded...
No matter how fucked up you may think you are...
The ocean is not your friend...
So yeah until saturday night i had never been in the ocean before and those of you that have spent any time around me know that i am terrified of the water... Irrational fear of drowning and stuff like that... so saturday night about ten of us decide it would be a good idea to go down to the beach, it was a nice night afterall, looking at the sand and the water was fine, touching the sand was nice same with the water, being engulfed by said water when i was only knee deep in it, not so much... I could hear the water rushing over my ears at a deafening volume the taste of salt, the strange colors, the pressure on my skin, the powerlessness of it all, it's rather strange looking back on it, that should have scarred the fucking hell out of me, but it didn't, i'm gonna have to check on my irrational fear of drowning again this weekend or next, i think i may have overcome it... either that or i was just really fucked up :)...
On a lighter note me and six of my friends bonded on a much more personal level on saturday night and spent most of the day sunday in my room recovering... 5-HTP i love you... brandon thank you for that neat little amino acid

PENNYWISE LYRICS

"My God"

People on the street they wannna find a god they'll never know,
organized religion pulls the blinds then they pull the wool,
they open up your head, they're fuckin' with your mind,
now you can't see because you're blind
You try to make amends but your heads still spinnin' round,
the church of Jesus Christ said it's time, don't fuck around,
you wanna go to heaven, you see it isn't free, give your money up to me
My god is not the one that you wanna see, your god is a mirage,
a conspiracy, you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin', yeah
(Ohoh) [x2]

Holier than thou with your one way morality,
I think your shallow faith isn't based in reality,
you don't like how were live, we're sinful and obscene,
why are you judgin' me?
You're richer than God but you're cryin' out for more,
you're livin' like a king while you steal from the poor,
wanna be forgiven, get on your knees and pray,
send in your cash and be saved

My god is not the one that you wanna see,
your god is a mirage, a conspiracy,
you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin',
yeah, better hope you've been chosen to be saved
(Ohoh) [x2]
Cause your empathy only goes so far today
Pay no mind to those in pain if you just want the souls
who are willing to pay
Their way, your god's not for me

My god is not the one that you wanna see,
your god is a mirage, a conspiracy,
you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin',
yeah, my god is not the one that you wanna see,
your god is a mirage, a conspiracy,
you pray for forgiveness cause your sinnin',
scared to death so your money you'll be givin',
yeah, stop
(Ohoh) [x4]

this is how i used to see life, now its a little differant...

PENNYWISE LYRICS

"Salvation"

I want your salvation - we need some liberation
And I believe in history yeah
It's time to make a difference and its plain to see
I just want to live my life
Do you know what's wrong or right?
All we get is talk from you
Imagine a life without rules
I want your savlation - I need your creation
I don't want to die an abomination
Why can't you see - I got to be free
I'm never gonna stop being me
I want some indication and we need consideration
We're all the sum of humanity
How long will it take before you hear our pleas?
We just want to live our lives
Is there any hope in sight?
Can't you see our point of view?
How long can you hide from the truth?
What you want you might never get it - till you try -so reach and grab it
Live your life for no real reason - I can't believe all the things I'm seeing
Represent it stands to reason all your life I call it treason
So live your life for no real reason - I can't believe all the things I'm seeing

.... some of you may understand the meaning behind this but most of you wont and thats to be expected....